Do I need a space title?

So I have been keeping something from everyone(Cesar is not included in 'everyone'). So here goes:


Something is wrong with me. And its starting to scare me. For the past few weeks I have been having this sensation like a tingling or vibration or a buzzing(maybe? hard to describe) running through my back, arms, hands, and upper legs. It happens when I move in certain ways, and as I discovered last night especially when I move my neck forward and down. Thats the part that has me really scared.

I don't know when I first realized that this odd feeling was going on. It wasn't very bad at first and it doesn't hurt t all, it's just annoying and distracting. When I DID realize I was feeling odd, I thought, 'well maybe it will go away on its own; It doesn't hurt right?'(I asked to myself).

But it didn't. It got worse. I noticed it more and more when I was moving around the house. When I sit up suddenly I have a particularly strong pang so strong that I sometimes have to stop a moment because the tingling is turning my hands and arms numb. Finally I told Cesar about it and he said to go see a doctor. I hate seeing doctors so I put it off.

Last night I was sitting here watching Youtube and I moved my neck forward a bit and got the now familiar sensation. I moved my neck back and it stopped. 'Ah ha' I thought, possibly the source of it all.

Then I thought okay it's possibly to do with my neck. It is obviously something neurological as well, because of the nature of it.(I think at least) Then I started thinking, what if this is more serious than I have been behaving about it? What it is a tumor pressing on my spine, or a blood clot or something else that could possibly leave me paralyzed? I had visions of me collapsing when no one was here to help me(I'm alone with the girls alot) and just laying there hearing the girls screaming in their room for me and not being able to get to them.

That was last night and the final thought that finally made me call a doctor this morning. I really hate going to the doctor, but atleast if I won't do it for my own health. I'll do it because of my children. I don't know if I could stand not being able to take care of them. They are the reason I get up in the morning(literally), seeing them smile gets me through, they're the breath in my body, the warmth in my days, all that I could ever hope for.

I don't want to leave them alone. So, I'll go to the damn doctor, because they can fix me so I can get back to my life.

Ok I have a question to pose to those of my family that read this:

Did one of you-or perhaps you know someone else who did- order me a subscription to the Disney magazine? I have been puzzled by this since the begining of the year, and finally I managed to snag one from Caitlyn before she tore the cover off of it(the cover has the subscriber info on it). I don't remember ordering it but their website says I am paid in full for 2 years, so something is going on. The only thing that puzzles me is, if someone did order it, why for me? It is obviously a kids magazine(no comments about my maturity please) and we just give them straight to Caity anyway, so why not put her name on it?

So there's my mystery of the week. If anyone knows anything please, share it with the rest of the class!

I know I promised everyone to write down stuff from my vacation to Wisconsin, but it has been over a month since I got back, and well if you were holding your breath waiting, I'd let it out about now. Sorry folks, but I kinda never got to it, and I'm not gonna bother at this point. I am going to try and write more though. I need an outlet of some kind to keep me from spiraling down into depression and loneliness(more than I already have that is)Writing is therapuetic and will keep me from picking fights and yelling at Cesar all the time. Been doing that alot lately and we sat down and talked about it the other day, and in the process I figured out why I've been doing it.

Okay enough of that here's something silly:(but I can't take credit for it, Cesar found it. I just think it is cute)